The U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency training website got snared in the honeyblog with a document authored by B. Wayne Blanchard, Ph.D. We also archived the original document in all its glory…

Alex Lee looks through an F-16 Fighting Falcon simu­la­tor head-up display during a simu­lated mission Aug. 22 at Eielson Air Force Base, Alaska. Alex was born with con­gen­i­tal heart defects and Down syn­drome and was selected by the Make-A-Wish Foun­da­tion for the Pilot for a Day pro­gram. The pur­pose of the pro­gram is to ease the pain of children who lost a normal child­hood due to ill­nesses or disa­bilities. (U.S. Air Force photo/Airman 1st Class Jona­than Snyder)

I check the U.S. Air Force website daily for any photos I can “recaption” on the parody website. The one seen here instantly caught my eye, titled “Eielson Airmen turn child into pilot for a day.” A recaptioned title practically writes itself: “Youngest commissioned pilot joins Cyberspace Command…”

…But I also know the Air Force & all of her sister services do amazing things all over the world for kids in need. MSgt Michael Maltz, for example, lost his life on a mission to rescue two injured children in Afghanistan. In 2003 I conducted an interview with an Air Force doctor whose team absolutely refused to give up on an Iraqi girl with burns over nearly her entire body. I know for a fact Airmen in Iraq routinely visited orphanages in 2003 just to give those kids the love & attention they so rightfully deserve.

And I just can’t bring myself to recaption a photo like this one. It tugs at my heartstrings.

Who knows why. Maybe it’s because I saw too many children in pain during my Iraq tour — from a young boy mangled by an improvised explosive, to a baby killed in a car bombing. Or maybe it’s because I volunteered for the Muscular Dystrophy summer camps in the 1970s & 1980s. I don’t know.

“But Rob, what about this recaptioned photo?” You ask a very good question. I stand on two points: (1) it focuses on the Airman, not the child in the designer hoodie; and (2) it involves donated school supplies. In other words, it’s one of many {ahem} banal feel-good PR photos out there.

But take heart. There is a line I won’t cross for recaptioned photos…

Let’s cut to the chase. I’m going to tell you my master plan for the next 25 years. I’ll reveal it on this website because I want you to wonder if I’m serious.

After my wife died, I used the life insurance money to buy my cohort out of Vmyths. After long thought, I’ve decided I will run no ads. Period. Not at Vmyths, not at SecurityCritics, and not at HumorControl. I’m getting close to the day when I can retire and, quite frankly, I can afford a simple hobby like this.

When I finally retire, I’m going to drive my RV to military bases all over the country. I’ll stay as long as it takes to peruse their historical archives. I will "consult the ancient scrolls" that discuss military cyber security in the quarter-century between 1985-2010. Then I’ll drive off somewhere and analyze what I found.

And I’ll upload all of my research to the web for free.

"Waitaminit, Rob, you could turn it into a book and make a few bucks!" Yeah, but why? My financial advisor assures me I can afford to do obscure research from the comfort of my RV when I finally retire. That’s what I want to do and I’m going to do it.

My retirement is still a few years out and I understand the value of a dollar. I won’t run ads or sell books — but I’ll gladly let anyone buy me out. That’s right: you can finally snatch the white hat from my balding head. You’ll own everything at Vmyths & SecurityCritics & HumorControl. Lock, stock, and barrel. I’ll toss you my white hat and go straight into retirement.

Mind you, I don’t actually need the money. My retirement plan will fund all of my research efforts if I let it percolate for the next 8-10 years. If no one takes me up on the offer, I’ll just continue to wear my white hat and make a hobby out of criticizing the computer security industrial complex.

The total cash price in 2008 is US$1.5 million and it will drop $75K each year. In 2010 I’ll sell out for $1.35M in cash; in 2012 I’ll sell out for $1.2M; and so on. "Why would you drop the price each year, Rob?" Because I know what I need to retire on and I don’t need to be greedy. I’m here to change the world, not to get rich.

"Will you include House 2.0 in this buyout?" My RV is my home; I sold the house at no profit to a military veteran after Denise died. His family struggles to make ends meet, so I helped them out. I even left behind one server for each kid as a gift. Like I said: I’m here to change the world, not to get rich.

I’ll retract this offer in 8-10 years when I’ve got enough money to fund my research project. If that happens — if I actually retire with my white hat — then may Heaven help the computer security industrial complex. They’ll be fully entwined in the military-industrial complex by then, you know.

So if you’re a gazillionaire who’d love to see me do research on the military’s initial forays into computer security … or if you’re a vendor who’d love to buy the white hat from an annoying computer security critic … well, here’s your chance. $1.5M in 2008.

The company has confirmed Yours Truly worked for the CIA. I can only upload one copyrighted page under the Fair Use Doctrine…

Click here to read the excerpt.