LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures Entertainment announced it is seeking two Los Angeles women of Korean descent as “persons of interest” in the recent hack of the movie studio’s networks.
Sony Pictures CEO Amy Pascal said the women were identified after employees joined with LAPD officers to canvas Los Angeles for leads in the case. “We executed search warrants for everyone in Koreatown who ever worked for Sony,” Ms. Pascal explained.
When asked how a corporation like Sony could execute a search warrant, Ms. Pascal claimed “first we worked with the FBI, and they assured us the culprits are Korean. Then we asked the Screen Actors Guild to identify people of Korean descent who worked for Sony at any time in their careers. When we had our facts together, we went to the Foltz Criminal Justice Center in downtown L.A. His Honor, Superior Court Justice Lance Ito granted us a blanket search warrant for all of Koreatown, from Vermont Avenue to South Wilton Place.”
Ms. Pascal asserted Sony “is not the first California company with search and seizure powers. In case you’ve forgotten, Apple security personnel have arrest authority and they can execute a search warrant. We’ve taken it farther by issuing a blanket search warrant for everyone with slanty eyes or who smells like kimchee.”
Ms. Pascal confirmed Sony security personnel were issued authentic police uniforms from the studio’s wardrobe department. “You couldn’t tell them apart from the real police,” she touted. “It’s common for our actors to go out with cops on patrol to research a movie role,” she added.
Lee Chang-ho, a professional Go player, claimed he was “roughed up” by Sony employees under the supervision of LAPD officers. “They didn’t even give me time to step away from my laptop. They shouted ‘Sony Pictures, open up!’ and slid a string of firecrackers under the door. I was jumping up and down to avoid firecrackers when they put a battering ram to my deadbolts.”
“The cops were telling the Sony guys to ‘grab his wrist like this’ and ‘you’re choking him all wrong,’ while I’m on the floor getting my face smashed into the linoleum by five guys.” Mr. Chang-ho, who has asthma, claims he told the men “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, but they just laughed and said ‘can’t you be original’?”
Mr. Chang-ho claims he never worked as an actor but admitted his Korean girlfriend is “a fingernail model for a studio that specializes in second unit film work. She’s always looking for hand jobs, so maybe she worked at Sony in the past.” Mr. Chang-ho said his girlfriend had flown to Atlanta “for a Palmolive gig” with actress Jan Miner.
Mr. Chang-ho recalled Sony interrogated him under LAPD supervision “for about an hour while I kept spitting blood out of my mouth.” He claims to have lost a tooth in the scuffle. “One of them stole my laptop. They kept telling me ‘if you downloaded illegal movies on this thing, you’re going to need more than a new door frame’.”
“They threw a letter in my face saying it’s against the law to tell anyone they tortured me,” Mr. Chang-ho said. He produced a blood stained letter signed by Ms. Leah Weil, chief legal counsel for Sony Pictures.
“And then, just like that, they were gone. Who’s going to fix my door?”
A Sony spokeswoman hung up after insisting “if we did go visit this Chang-ho gook, then he is in clear violation of the law for disclosing details related to the Sony hack, and your news agency will be violating the law if you publish his illegal accusations.”
News of Sony’s activities in Koreatown drew mixed opinions from famous Asian actors. James Hong (“Blade Runner,” “Big Trouble in Little China”) said “this could be a wake-up call for the Korean community. We often think the police will only barge into a black person’s home, but it’s time to join our dark brothers in protest against Sony police brutality.”
Action star Chow Yun-fat (“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,” “Bulletproof Monk”) took a different stand, saying through a spokesman that “sometimes the police must work outside constitutional limits in order to make an informant talk or to bring a bad person to justice. I think Sony was justified to do what they did.”
An agency representative for Lucy Liu (“Charlie’s Angels,” “Kill Bill”) said the actress was on set at an undisclosed location and could not be reached for comment.
When asked, Ms. Pascal confirmed any security personnel “with SAG cards will be paid scale for the days they ‘acted’ as LAPD officers.”