Air Force “combat coders” ready to fight North Korea

November 25th, 2010 by | Print
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LACKLAND AIR FORCE BASE, TEXAS — The commanding general of America’s elite cyber unit, the “24th Air Force,” says his troops stand ready for battle if North Korea renounces its 57-year armistice.

“Their country has a grand total of 119 computers,” Major General Richard E. Webber told reporters today at a press conference. “Rest assured, we’re fully capable of destroying every one of them.” He asserted that “our contribution may very well be the turning point if we go back to war with North Korea. In fact, our Army might not even have to storm across the 38th parallel if the president calls on our expertise. We’re that good.”

The general revealed “most of their [North Korea's] computers are IBM PC-compatibles plucked from a South Korean junk yard. Some of them run DOS 4.0 and the rest run Windows 3.11. We’ll hack into every one of them and run an FDISK command.” After destroying all data, 24th Air Force will go after the hardware. “My combat coders will change the refresh rate on their monochrome Hercules monitors so it makes them go ‘pop,’ and then we’ll use a zero-day exploit to force the CPUs into an Nth-complexity infinite binary loop, which will physically damage the core processors.”

General Webber also revealed North Korea maintains three rack-mounted Pentium-III 500MHz servers running the Sun Solaris operating system. “One runs their .kp top level domain,” he said, “and another one is a host for two websites. The North Korean government has one website, and Kim Jong-il has a website devoted to himself.” The third Solaris server is supposed to act as a hot spare, “but right now some hacker-perverts in South Korea are using it to distribute child pornography.”

The general insisted that “if we are called upon by competent national command authority, my guys & gals will hack into two of those Solaris boxes with an old SendMail exploit,” he said. “We’ll get into the third OS by installing a rootkit directly into the Symantec antivirus software. Then it’s bye-bye North Korean websites and child porn.”

General Webber also revealed “one other computer, in the heart of the capital city, is an embedded Linux box that operates the country’s only street light. We’ll install algorithms to make it blink in ways that will snarl Pyongyang’s traffic like they’ve never seen before. Rickshaws will be trapped in gridlock for days when we get done with their critical infrastructure. It’ll make China’s gridlock look like the autobahn.”

Still, General Webber warned “an all-out cyber battle won’t be some sort of cakewalk. You can’t just strut into North Korea’s IP space and get away without a scratch.” Kim Jong-il personally trains up to 100 hackers each year “as part of an elite cyber force that could inflict horrifying damage to America’s critical ‘SCADA’ equipment if we let them.” The general warned that “our analysts believe there are at least 800 military hackers stationed in Pyongyang right now, all of them fully capable of striking at civilian targets running the Windows 95 and Microsoft Bob operating systems.”

Everyone in the United States is a target, General Webber stressed, “especially if you are a South Korean immigrant in the dry cleaning business, or if you are a Vietnamese refugee who runs an oriental restaurant, or if you came from India with enough cash to buy a C-store. We strongly believe North Korea will target point-of-sale computers in those sectors of the American economy.” He referred questions about securing those sectors to the Department of Homeland Security. “Twenty-fourth Air Force is only authorized to protect the United States military,” the general explained. “I wish I could protect immigrants and boat children, because we’re the absolute best at doing it, but that’s not what 24th Air Force was set up to do.”

When asked if 24th Air Force had already hacked into North Korea’s computers and was simply waiting for a “kill” order, the general responded “I’m not at liberty to say one way or another. Our fully operational mission capabilities are ultra-top secret, multi-sensitive compartmentalized, one-eyes only, mondo-need to know. I doubt if even the president himself knows what we’re fully capable of doing via our mission parameters…”

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